Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Public Service Announcement

I'm the type of person that people will say absolutely anything to because they know I won't go off and slap them.  I have news though.  Someday, I will snap and I will probably go to jail that day because I've been holding my true reactions in for 29 years.  One of my favorites that I've gotten so, so, so many times:

"What are you?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

"What race are you?"

Me: "White?"

"Well, it doesn't look like it..."

How is this even explained?  I'm one of the whitest people I know.  Outside of my astounding dance moves and my secret love for 50 Cent, there isn't much that would lead people to any other conclusion but that this girl here, is white.  

As crazy as this is, things get markedly worse when you become pregnant.  People (read: women) say the most ridiculous things and give you the most absurd "advice" that make you hope and pray they don't actually have children of their own.  So far, in the few weeks that the outside world has known our news, I have sadly fallen victim to the following:

"I figured you were pregnant because every summer you get in really great shape...but not this year."

"Your skin has been really dry, have you told your doctor?"

"Look at you with your stomach just hanging out." - this one is particularly disturbing because never in my life, has my stomach been hanging out or over anything.  It still isn't.  

"Did you plan the baby?"

I strongly urge my friends who have not yet experienced this to start preparing now.  I never have anything good to say until about five minutes after the episode occurs and by then, it would be stupid to go back to them with my ill-timed comeback and expect them to take me seriously.  I am pretty damn good at facial expressions however, so if you really want to know how I feel when you say something insane, please take a good, long look at my face because I guarantee you, you will get my drift (read: go to hell).  

The moral of this story is, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."  Where is Bambi when you need it...

The good news about all of this is that the majority of people are extra nice to you while pregnant.  They tell you how good you look, that you are "glowing", etc.  In your mind you begin to question yourself..."Do I really look good or am I so hideous that they feel bad for me and wanted to give me a compliment?"  They probably are being sincere but I missed out on the confidence gene - sue me.  This has plagued me since the day I got made fun of for saying that dinosaurs were my favorite animal and for my fuzzy bangs in elementary school (which were so awesome in my mind that I couldn't understand why anyone would not want to have bangs like mine).  That's a whole other post though so we will stop here.  

If you zoned out while reading this (I don't blame you), please just take this with you: dinosaurs are still my favorite animal.  

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